Attention-seeker at 20?

Bila dah masuk 20 ni memang kita akan jadi attention-seeker ke macam mana eh?

Tak tahu lah nak cakap macam mana, somehow aku rasa aku makin kuat merajuk. Sangat kuat!

My style bila merajuk is I did the silent treatment. I didn't say a word pun. Merajuk lah memang merajuk. Tapi orang selalu cakap yang kita selalu merajuk dengan orang yang kita sayang je.

What I wish when I was sulking is ada orang datang and pujuk kita and tanya in a very soft and polite voice (of course it must be not a boyfriend). I wanna have that! Tapi bila aku merajuk je, takde sorang pun datang and pujuk T.T

Weh, aku nak sangat kot ada orang approach kita and try untuk faham kita, faham tak?

Entahlah, sejak sejak 20 ni kenapa tah dengan aku. I'm an attention-seeker suddenly. Rasa macam tolonglah faham and cari punca kenapa aku merajuk woiiii!?!

HAHAHAHA

I know this may sounds funny but it's real lah!

You don't know that feeling. Rasa macam kurang kasih sayang, rasa macam kurang perhatian...

Sebab aku ni jenis yang tak cakap kalau tak suka atau mengharapkan sesuatu. Faham tak?

Tak, korang takkan faham sebab korang bukan aku.

Aku akan rasa macam eii serba salahnya nak minta, serba salahnya nak cakap the truth and end up aku simpan simpan pendam pendam lepastu it burst out dengan cara, merajuk.

Tapi takde sape pun faham T.T

Right now, macam depress pun ada lah juga sebenarnya tapi entahlah. I try to avoid it. Be cool sometimes tapi not so cool. It is unexplainable. It is hard to be explained. No one couldn't understand.

Kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu

"Was it me or the environment or maybe my new friends?"


"So, you're trying to blame them?"


"Kinda."


"I don't think they involved."


"What do you mean? What are you trying to say?"


"I think it's totally your fault. Well, no hard feelings but I have to say this. You might think it's because of others. You blame them because you get influenced by them. And you feel kosong because it's you, who have changed. You changed your lifestyle. Where's your jaga ikhtilat thing dulu? Where's your spirit to be a wanita solehah dan anak solehah? Where's your tudung labuh bulat? Where's your limit when talking to guys out there, you can even make jokes with them, in WhatsApp and in reality? Do you think of them every single day? Do you put aside the Al-Quran? Do you read Al-Quran everyday? How's your hafazan? Do you perform your prayer on time? Have you ever not performing your prayer just because you're sleepy and you wanna continue sleeping and not performing your prayer (solat)? Kalau dengan Allah pun malas, inikan pula manusia. You keep asking, "sapelah nak aku kan?". So, you think you're ready enough to get married? So, do you think it is others fault? You still want to blame them?"


"............ (starts to cry)"


"I know you might get hurt of what I'm saying. I love you as my friend. And because of it, I don't want my friend hilang arah and hilang identity. Kau nampak macam tercari-cari diri kau yang sebenar. You've changed a bit sebenarnya but I don't know how to tell you so I guess now is the right time."


".........(crying)"


"It's okay, Sofeeya. You still have time. Better late than never. I'll always support you from the back. Jom berubah sama-sama. I miss your old you :')"


"Thank you Ca. I just, I don't know. Yes, aku hilang arah sejak keluar sekolah. Yelah, dulu duduk sekolah 24 jam biah solehah. Tapi bila keluar, betullah, kita yang kena pandai jaga diri. You know it's hard?"


"Yes, I know. Mujahadah is so hard and that's because Syurga is so expensive. Bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian."





They hugged each other.

Kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu.

Kerana dosa tidak memberikan kebahagiaan yang hakiki.

Just a ermmm...

Pernah tak terfikir,

Mampukah kita menjadi ibu yang baik untuk anak-anak kita nanti?



20 tahun akan datang....


"Mama, adik teringin nak makan kuih kaswi. Mama buat boleh?"



Pandai ke idak?


Mampukah kita untuk memenuhi kehendak anak-anak sebaiknya walaupun dalam keadaan penat fizikal dan mental.



Ok bai, aku cuma terfikir je.

P/s: dah lama tak update blog, rindu, tapi takde topik nak bincang.

End-of-sem Break: Broga Hill

I went to Broga Hill yesterday. It was a great experience, I swear since this was the first time ever I went for hiking. Harini muscle aku sakit HAHAHA.. Lama tak stretching, so harini dia terkejut (bahasa orang biasa), unfortunately, aku tak sure in what is it in medical terms.

Being a medical student,

"Auch, sakit serratus anterior muscle aku."

"Knee joint aku longgar, ketaq."

"Ligament aku shaking."

"Alamak, do I suffer from tendonitis?"

"Muscle apa yang terlibat untuk flexion dan extension?"

Bila penat hiking,

"Lemak kat viscera aku banyak ni. OMG!" 

Other student be like,

"Belakang aku sakit lah."

"Lutut aku menggeletar."

"Kaki aku lenguh."

You know, nerd alert is on! HAHAHAHAHA. Haiyaaa! Seriously, when I went for hiking yesterday, those things kept popping on my head. The terms, abbreviation, the causes, the symptoms and even more worse, the insertion, origin and action of the muscles. Am I getting nerdy?

Nah, payung gambar.

New experience, new people, new life lesson.

Only 6 of us (SHAMSIM).

This photo is lovely!

Time nak turun lagi sakit weh, I swear!

Nahh, sotong tak jadi. Sorry, they are single but not available HAHAHAH

We captured every moment. Aku tak pasti total gambar berapa sebab guna 4-5 phone tapi yang aku dapat ada lebih kurang 100 something lah. Mula-mula rasa macam "boleh ke aku hiking ni?" tapi bila dah sampai puncak baru aku sedar yang kita kena yakin dengan diri sendiri sebenarnya. Trust your gut instinct and believe in yourself. Sape lagi nak percayakan diri kita kalau bukan ourselves kan?

Instead of family, kawan pun adalah tulang belakang kita, betul tak? I barely speak with guys, serious talk. Kalau aku macam nak konon-konon friendly pun kan, selalunya that guy yang akan rasa uncomfortable or maybe aku sendiri sebab dalam otak aku mesti fikir macam ni, "eh aku tak boleh cerita lebih2 dengan dia, aku tak kenal dia lagi."

So, most of the time, aku cuma boleh percayakan kawan lelaki yang satu sekolah dengan aku sahaja tapi itupun takdelah semua aku rapat. Beberapa je tapi kira kitorang kenal each other. Sebab dah berkawan since sekolah and kau dah kenal sikit macam mana perangai kawan kau ni kan hahahaha. Even yang perempuan pun, kalau aku nak share rahsia, aku akan cari kawan sekolah aku dulu. Entahlah, aku ni memang susah nak percayakan orang. Lagi dewasa ni, lagi berhati-hati aku pilih kawan.

Semakin dewasa, janganlah cepat sangat percayakan orang lebih-lebih lagi orang baru.. Ini resepi kehidupan terbesar. Kau biasa-biasa jelah, percaya jangan. Perhatikan dulu kawan kau, selidik background, test dia banyak kali then kau decide lah sendiri sama ada dia orang boleh dipercayai ke tak. Pandai-pandai kau lah.

Remember,

Trust takes years to build. It can be destroyed for seconds and takes forever to be repaired.

Aku sensitif sikit bab-bab trust ni. So, aku boleh percaya orang yang aku dah kenal lama (biasanya lebih 5 tahun). Kenal tu bukan kenal biasa-biasa, memang betul-betul kenal. Tapi kadang-kadang ada je kawan yang dah kenal lama and then break the trust, tapi aku harap aku tak dapat lah kawan macam tu. Takut juga.... mohon dijauhkan.

So, for whom I trust, you are so special to me! Don't break it!

I am so grateful for having them in my life as my friends! Rasa macam taknak kahwin sebab rasa macam dah cukup dah ada dorang tapi nanti kalau dorang kahwin macam mana? So, nak tak nak, kena juga lah gerak perlahan-lahan. Taknak lah jadi forever alone kan, cewahhhhh (nyampah). Sebab manusia ni tak kekal selamanya, takut dia berubah juga. I hope we can still keep in touch for years until Jannah in shaa Allah.

Seriously, aku anggap dorang as part of my family <3

Kalau gathering dengan dorang, I feel safe. So much (kau jangan nak buruk sangka lak). Like I said before, sebab aku kenal dorang dah lama, so I trust them and that's the reason why I feel safe when they are around me. Sweet tak I? HAHAHAHAHA

Kalau nak minta tolong pun kan, orang first yang aku terfikir is kawan sekolah aku.

Even mak aku pun, kalau aku cakap nak keluar dengan dorang-dorang ni, mak aku bagi green light sebab mak aku sendiri pun kenal dorang and trust them. She knows her daughter will be safe with them. Hehehehehehe...

Thank you koranggg untuk pengalaman semalam! Next semester punya holiday, kita plan lagi eh. Can't wait!

20 and marriage?

Wait, before I go straight to my point, you guys don't misunderstood pula...

"OMG, Sarah nak kahwin dah ke?"

Sila gelak beramai-ramai... Ready pun tak, memang tak lah. Banyak benda tak lengkap lagi. I think, it's only 10-20 out of 100. Or might be less than 10. Goshhhh! Sila kuburkan impian untuk mempunyai buah hati, dear Sarah hahahahahahaha.

I've been thinking about this for days.... Lebih-lebih lagi bila mengenangkan yang umur ni nak masuk 20 tahun ni. What?! I'm still young, 20 is too old because of the number 2 in front. Lol.

Last week, my friends and I were watching movie. And in that movie, there's a dialog,

"I'm sorry son. I can't go home yet."

Long story short, his son asked him whether he will be coming home or not and that dialog was the answer for his question. And suddenly, I came up with this thought,

"OMG, satu hari nanti kita mesti akan cakap dialog macam ni kan kat anak kita? Sobs..."

(Since we're going to be a doctor in shaa Allah, it will be super busy kan T.T)

And one of my friends replied,

"Ya weh.. Akan datang kan, kita akan jadi spoiler kepada anak-anak kita.. Yelah, sekarang kita hidup di zaman mak ayah yang garang dan tegas. Bila kita jadi parents nanti, kita pulak yang spoil kan anak."

Masing-masing pun terdiam lalu berhuhuhuhuhu...

Well, ada benarnya. But I think, I still want to be a strict parents, no matter what! Lol.

Aku rasa mak-mak sangat bila discuss pasal benda ni. But I have to spit it out because benda-benda macam ni keep popping in my mind like all timeeeeee. Aku banyak belajar melalui pemerhatian. I observe and I learn. I ask and I learn. My mom is the best teacher ever. I ask a lot of things to her. Yelah, dia paling banyak makan garam compared to me kan? She always lah nagging about you know, that anak-dara-suppose-to-do-and-know thing? I admit, I'm not ready at all!

Macam aku banyak lah terfikir, since I'm going to be a doctor one day, you know doctor kan busy, on-call, case banyak and then tak dapat nak balik. I've been following some doctors life through Instagram, maybe not their entire life but I can see they are hectic and their struggle is real.

Re-scheduling like always.

Siap ada planner.

Me? Zzzzzz with the planner thing.

Janji dengan anak nak balik malam ni tapi tak dapat sebab ada sudden case.

Terus aku rasa macam, omg sedihnya T.T

And then, kau dah lah busy, rumah kurang terurus, anak agak terabai, here, time management plays role! I'm really bad in this T.T (cry a river). Bila kau penat, kau boleh sabar ke nak layan anak? Nak layan suami? Nak kemas rumah? Nak urus rumah? Omg! Feeling so mak mak (okay, stop it!).

Lepastu, aku banyak lah tertengok video about parenting. Ramai orang single, nak kahwin sebab dorang rasa kahwin tu best. Tapi ramai juga orang yang dah kahwin, nak jadi single balik. Sebab bila dah kahwin, lebih-lebih lagi bila dah ada anak, kita banyak kena sacrifice kan kemahuan kita hanya untuk anak. Like, kalau single, ada duit gaji lebih, mungkin kau boleh nak shopping handbag, shoes, clothes, makeup, tudungssss and all things!

Tapi bila ada anak? Duit banyak pergi ke anak.

We need to sacrifice.

Lepastu, mak aku pernah cakap macam ni,

"Kebanyakan ibu muda sekarang, kurang sabar. Sebab tu banyak kes penderaan."

I find that to Sabar is so hard. You admit? Cuba bayangkan eh, one day, kita balik kerja dah penat, anak menangis, kita pujuk semua cara, semua tak kena. Agak-agak kita boleh sabar tak?

Aku banyak kali terfikir pasal benda ni! Aku boleh handle ke? Memanglah orang kata, kalau sayang, semua boleh. Tapi kalau iman time senipis kulit bawang? Kita jamin ke? I don't think so. That's why aku kata aku belum ready sebab aku belum sepenuhnya didik kesabaran dalam diri.

It's hard! Pastu, belum lagi part suami? Yang ni, nanti-nantilah fikir. Tapi yang paling penting is memasak. HAHAHAHAHA...

One day, we'll be living in our own house a.k.a home. I mean, a new family. Adakah kita mampu untuk mengekalkan kebersihan, kecantikan dan keselamatan rumah kita? Hahahahaha (amekaw 3K), I know this sounds funny but trust me, we need to think of this! Kan kita selalu dengar, home sweet home. Kalau rumah macam tongkang pecah? Orang semua duk perati je bila datang rumah kita.

Sebab rumah ni, macam first impression juga lah. Nak tahu orang, tengok rumah. Bersepah ke kemas ke? Sebab bagaimana rumah kita, itulah gambaran terhadap diri kita. Macam aku pernah cakap dulu, nak tengok orang tu kemas ke tak, tengok tempat-tempat peribadi dia. Macam meja study, almari, bilik tidur?

I don't want to be a spoiler to my future kids...

Well, feeling so mak mak again.

One more thing, aku selalu terfikir. Bila dah kahwin, adakah kita mampu untuk mencintai our spouse for the rest of our life? Will we survive through up and down? Will we support and motivate to each other for every second of our life? You know that thing...

Trust, love, commitment, well banyak lagi sebenarnya.

Like my mom said,

"Perempuan diuji bila lelaki itu tidak mempunyai apa-apa. Lelaki diuji bila dia mempunyai segala-galanya."

Sounds scary.

Kita selalu nampak kebahagiaan orang tapi kita selalu juga lupa di sebalik kebahagiaan mereka, pasti ada kesusahan dan cabaran yang telah mereka tempuhi bersama.

Banyak lagi persoalan aku tapi cukuplah setakat ni.

Semakin dewasa ni, semakin banyak perkara yang perlu kita fikir.

TAK NAK JADI DEWASA!

I'm not overthinking pun cuma thoughts tu banyak kali popping in my head.

Nak nak umur kita sekarang macam dah boleh melayakkan kita untuk kahwin lah (konon-kononnya).

I promise to myself to take care of myself from all the things yang Allah tak redha.

Semoga kita sentiasa berada di jalan yang benar.

Remember, bila Allah datangkan rasa resah dan gelisah ketika melakukan sesuatu, there is always something wrong with that.

Kerana dosa, tidak pernah mendatangkan kebahagiaan.

Kenapa nak dengki?

I really don't understand kenapa sesama kita perlu berdengki dengan kelebihan seseorang?

Cemburu tak bertempat?

Daripada kita membuang masa menambah dosa, adalah lebih baik untuk kita bersyukur dengan apa yang ada. Janganlah bila dah tak suka tu, every steps yang dia buat is a mistake to us.

Get your life, peeps!

Have faith in Allah, that's the main key. The key of life.

Why not kita jadikan kelebihan yang ada pada seseorang itu, take it in a positive way and say,

"Aku juga boleh!"

Why on earth ada orang macam ni Ya Rabbi T.T

Berhati-hatilah dalam kehidupan, di mana-mana pasti ada manusia yang menyembunyikan gunting dalam lipatan. Selamat hidup!