Me, people and expectations

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Hi all!

It has been a week being a 2nd semester Tamhidi of Medicine student.

2nd semester is quite tough because everyone is competing. But I've told myself before I started my first day, I don't want to compete anymore. Am I give up and lose hope? NOPE. I just want to be myself not the one who feel pressured by others.

So, tonight I'm going to discuss about EXPECTATIONS.

People and expectations cannot be separated.

"Sambung belajar kat mana?"

"USIM, cik."

"Ohh, ambil apa?"

"Saya baru je asasi."

"Asasi apa?"

"Asasi perubatan."

"Wahh, bakal doktor lah ni?"

"Errmm, in shaa Allah cik. Doakan ya."

"Kakak ni memang dari dulu lagi dah terang hati kan. In shaa Allah, boleh sangat tu."

"Haaa bolehlah rawat cikgu nanti. Mana tahu kott2 dapat free ke."

 "Haaa ni bakal doktor pertama dalam keluarga kita ni."

And the conversations go on.

Sometimes, I have to tell them the truth.

"Tapi untuk pursue medic kat USIM ni, ada kuota cik. Ada 80 seats je, kalau tak lepas tulah kena ambil course lain. Acik doakan Sarah ya."

"Kena compete dengan lebih kurang 500++ students sebab dentistry and sc tech pun boleh ambil kalau lepas pointer and 4 core subjects."

Same sentence for every conversations. Get tired. Explaining the same story to different people. 

Why? 

Because they give a very high expectation towards me. Tahu tak, expectation ni dah macam amanah yang aku kena pikul? Takut tau. Yelah, mak ayah pun bagi tahu orang lain yang anak dia ambil Asasi Perubatan. People expect that I'm very clever, intelligent and brilliant. 

Selalu juga aku terfikir, what if I tak pursue in medical field? Maybe they will talk behind me.

"Haritu ye noo lah kata anak ambil medic. Tak jadi doktor pun. Gagal lah tu."

"Lahhh, takde lah pandai sangat anak dia. Nama je SPM 10A."

"Tak lepas pointer? Ermm, tak cukup pandai lah tu."

"Mesti main-main time study ni."

Aku rasa lah. Kita bukan takut sebab expectations orang tapi kita lebih takut dengan apa yang orang akan kata nanti. Kan? The apa-yang-orang-akan-kata tu menyebabkan kita overthinking and eventually killing our self-confidence.

This is what I feel now. Sometimes, I'm so stressful due to the overthinking. My best friend pernah cakap,

"Sarah cuba hang betul2 tanam niat dalam hati aku nak pergi Pandan Indah tapi ya Allah kau lebih tahu apa yang terbaik untuk aku. Jadi Kau aturlah hidupku ini sepertimana yang Engkau suka. I think it's better to just let everything to Him. Sebab if kita asyik meminta tanpa serahkan Dia balik, kita akan rasa memang apa yang kita nak tu kita dapat. Once Allah tak bagi, kita kecewa. Sebab apa? Kita ada doa dan usaha. Part Tawakal tu takde."

My main point here is tawakal part. Yes. Tawakal is the most important thing in our life. Tawakal ni bukan macam kau tutup mata sambil turun tangga. Tu konsep tawakal yang salah. Kenapa ada konsep tawakal dalam hidup seorang Muslim? Allah nak ingatkan kita bahawa not everything that we asked in our life Dia boleh bagi straight and masa yang tepat. No. He knows everything. He knows what's the best for us. Kita hanya mampu merancang namun Allah yang menentukan. Bila kita Tawakal, at least kita redha dengan apa yang Dia bagi instead of wailing 24/7 bila kita tak dapat apa yang kita nak dalam doa. Ya, doa memang senjata Muslim. Namun, Allah lebih berhak ke atas doa kita. 

To those out there,

I just want to tell you that I'm not as clever as you guys thought. But I've made each of your words as a doa. Everyone has their own ability and strength including me. I know my weaknesses. I'll keep fighting for the sake of ummah. I know that to be an Obstetrician and Gynecologist is not easy as I expected. What else I can do if Allah does not allow me to be a great muslimah doctor. If you want me to be a great doctor, please pray for me too. Insert my name in your doa. Sebab doa orang dalam diam in shaa Allah lebih termakbul. 

I'm not giving up. I just want to express my feelings yang telah lama terpendam tapi tak mampu diluahkan. Ini entah post ke berapa cerita pasal nak sangat jadi doktor. Jangan terkejut kalau 10 years later. I post pasal I am an engineer ke pharmacist ke hahahaha.

Still I'm hoping to be a doctor ngeh ngeh. I realize that I live in muka bumi Allah ni pun dengan izin-Nya lagi lah nak minta kat Dia untuk jadi doktor. Siapa kita untuk mengarah dia, memaksa dia mengikut kehendak kita. So, today, I'm redha. What will be, just be. Sebab my uncle too dulu pun offered into medical field but he refused and now dia baru je balik dari Canada sebab syarikat luar negara panggil.

The ibrah here is tak jadi doktor pun boleh berjaya.

Go Sarah go! You can do it!

Allah, I leave everything to You. Aturkanlah hidupku sebagaimana yang Kau suka. 

Full stop.

Thanks for reading, guys! XX